At our wedding, Chelsea and I asked those in attendance to help us write a short story. We provided the first line, and they did the rest. This story is the product of our incredible friends and family it its unadulterated, unedited form.
Turner and Chelsea are getting married today…
Out of nowhere, Batman ascends from the clouds in a misty fog, to have a man talk with Turner before the I do’s.
“Turner! Chelsea has been kidnapped by the Joker! Hurry we’ve got to find her!” Batman exclaimed.
Turner, thinking quickly, decided to rush out of the venue with the help of Batman to find his soon to wife so they can still get married on this glorious day… hopefully on schedule.
“Let’s go, Batman!” he exclaimed, putting on his rescue pants. “Chelsea is super great and I really want to marry the crap out of her this afternoon!”
Just at that moment, Turner and Batman fell into a deep well, just as the Joker had planned. Luckily Chelsea had packed her Batwoman disguise in her purse and, slipping into a telephone booth, Chelsea prepared to KICK SOME ASS.
…little did she know that the well was full of creepy penguins. Turner was complaining about the horrible stench he had fallen into.
“Have no fear, my Turner!” exclaimed Chelsea. She was ready to save him… AGAIN! He was always getting himself in tight spots. She threw down a rope as Turner squishes around in the smelly well, when…..
The rope breaks pulling Chelsea into the well with Batman and Turner! An evil laugh coming from above.
As Turner prepared to meet his foe, Chelsea ingeniously constructed a ladder out of creepy penguins and chewing gum, all McGyver style. They climbed the ladder, assumed ninja fighting stances, and waited.
The Joker looked through hollow eyes at the two before him. Not a solemn dirge, not a remnant of the blood spilled from generations past. Turner looked at his hands - still dirty from the depths below. The sun reflecting the murky water gave him hope for what lies beyond and what would be - but as his eyes met His, the illusion faded.
One breath, closed eyes. But it was all for naught.
And as the Joker looked up, a red glare permeated the noontime sun. Not here, not now. He had so much left to do. Turned his eyes to the bloodstained hole below, then back up into the two specters facing him - one man shaking in fear, one strong, beautiful woman holding the spear which found it’s home between his ribs.
“Is this it?”
“Woah, man. You’ve been jerking us around for years, you fuckin’ killed Tim, and now you’re complaining?”
The Joker’s heart slumped inside his chest. “I… I…”
But it was not enough. The skies turned black - his eyes filled with the void. From his bated breath and poisoned heart - face turned upward to the face of God, he shouted, “Everything must BURN!”
With the last muscle left in his body the Joker lights a match.
“Hey Bats, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!” and throws the lit match down the dark sewer tunnel.
Fire erupts around our Heroes…
Quickly, with urgent haste, the two lovers grasped hands and retreated down the tunnel, but in vain.
The blast picked them up, burned their butts, and sent them flying down the sewer tunnel and up a shaft. A man hole blocked their exit. Chelsea used Turner’s face to break the manhole open and they flew up into the city night.
In their noses, an amalgam of burnt smells began to collect. The Joker’s burning flesh, Turner’s smelly butt.
In a sudden turn of events that should be illegal, the Marvel universe crossed over with DC and Spider Man came webbing down from atop the highest and stupidest building.
“Everything means nothing.”
It was Nihilistic Spiderman. He was being a dick.
“Don’t be a dick,” said Chelsea. “We just got married, and surely that means SOMETHING.”
Nihilistic Spider Man winced and then blew up.
Suddenly, Chelsea and Turner had a hampering for hot dogs…
Once every hundred years, Jesus Christ descends to deliver hot dogs to a newlywed couple, and of course, Chelsea and Turner were the couple of the century.
“You realize how nonsensical and ironic it is that Jesus would appear in the same story as a Nihilistic Spider Man, don’t you?” asked Turner.
“Do you want ketchup or what?” asked Jesus, impatiently tapping a sandal.
Suddenly, Chelsea noticed that smoke was coming out from underneath Jesus’ cloak, and she shouted:
“Don’t swallow that hot dog, Turner!’
For indeed, it was the Green Goblin disguised as the dude from the Bible.
Turner spit out the hot dog, which shriveled poisonously on the ground.
As the Green Goblin tore of his disguise, someone offstage threw two fencing swords at our heroes, and Turner and the Green Goblin began what has to be the most epic fencing sword fight since that scene in Princess Bride.
But then, an orange mist arose. The Hobgoblin arose from the mist cackling like a madman.
Turner looked on surreptitiously. He knew the truth. One draw of his fake Sonic Screwdriver (he bought at TFAW) to zap the Hobgoblin, which initially made Chelsea laugh mockingly, but the power of their love brought a consciousness to the Screwdriver itself, basking them in its warm and holy glow. The Hobgoblin vanished in its place, a floating disembodied Richard Dawkins.
“You blokes are alright, I guess.”
His ghost bobbed up and down, puzzling Turner and Chelsea. How could a man so concerned with the preservation of truth and the eradication of superstition become the living dead? Chelsea would have none of it.
“Look, you asshole, just show us your real face… or are you a COWARD?”
Dawkins laughed like one of those ghosts in Ocarina of Time when you try to capture them in a bottle. So fucking annoying. Anyway - he disappeared suddenly. It was just Turner and Chelsea - even the buildings disappeared.
“Lets go home.”
So they did. And on the way, a small hand found its way into his, and suddenly the road seemed a lot shorter than it did before.